Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
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“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Don’t frighten the programmers!
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️