Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
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*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
All generalizations are stupid.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite