*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
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5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Meow
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Cat is stressing him out.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”