This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
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Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
no regrets
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary