I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
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Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit