Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
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Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
When someone says you are so lazy
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
From my Mom
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.