before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
You Might Also Like
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.