7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
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i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.