Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
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Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
the prophecy has been fulfilled
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
😂😂😂
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!