You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
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just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.