A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
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OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Lmao
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.