The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
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*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
iPhone X
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Going to church you guys need anything
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
My favorite farside!!
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up