Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
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I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early