My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
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Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Ah..makes sense now
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.