Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
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BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow