Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
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Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
relationship goals
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.