That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
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Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Jupiter
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald