I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
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Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I cannot call her anything else now
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
motivation
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general