When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
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I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
that lip filler tho
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
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