CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
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Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.