FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
You Might Also Like
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.