Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
You Might Also Like
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”