Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
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Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”