A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
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Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
what do you want!!!!!!!!
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.