Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
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Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Aaaa…CHOO!
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.