The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
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A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
time for some seasonal decor
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.