I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
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My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.