When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
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As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It鈥檚 even worse when you take the kids with you
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he鈥檚 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I鈥檝e been single for too long
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It鈥檚 actually quite tasty.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let鈥檚 do this!
Kid: It鈥檚 just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can鈥檛 get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
馃憤
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That鈥檚 not true
Asked him his height and he鈥檚 been typing for 2 minutes 馃え
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.