Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
You Might Also Like
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.