I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
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*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
blocked.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦