Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
You Might Also Like
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
How dude HOW?!
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave