me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
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Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Wikigenius
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?