The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
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My therapist after every session
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why