“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
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Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I’m going to need a moment here.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made