Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
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Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.