nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
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Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening