Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
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The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
best review i’ve ever seen
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude