me doing my best
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[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
My favorite female superhero
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.