*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
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psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur