“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
You Might Also Like
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.