just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
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When customers come in 6 hours before closing
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”