it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
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My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.