My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
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Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search