Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
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Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know