Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
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i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Cashiers are always checking me out
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.