My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
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When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i鈥檝e kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it鈥檚 conditioner
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Secret Panel HERE 馃敧
If you, don鈥檛 know, how, to properly use a comma don鈥檛 use, them ok.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
make your kid鈥檚 birthday party a special one they鈥檒l be talking about in therapy for years
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Boss: You鈥檙e late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn鈥檛 matter that in China I鈥檇 be 12 hours early.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I鈥檇 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.