[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
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Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.