*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
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Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
the red hot silly peppers
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.