[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
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COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.