Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
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Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.